Another Twilight Collection
by JerinAnn6397
Summary: This is a collection of random one-shots that are mostly funny and joke related. Want a quick laugh? Click the button and laugh you shall! A warning, a few of the chapters I wrote are short, sweet stories... but the majority of them are humor. The stories are better than summary.
1. Jokes On You Eddie

**A/N: OMG! I am so sorry for not updating anything in so long and not answering messages. For those of you 14 and up probably know how I am feeling about midterm Finals. :p lol anyway, here is a little collection of (hopefully) funny stories to lighten the mood *whispers under breath* and for forgiveness. So here we are. :D please enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I'll make it very simple to everyone… me no own twilight… why they heck am I talking like a 1****st**** grader?**

Jokes on you Eddie!

5) Change the pitches of the keys on his piano.

"Emmett are you sure that we should be doing this?" I asked him.

"Bella," Emmett sighed looking at me. "If you are going to be part of the family for eternity, you need to get used to people playing jokes on you. We all play jokes on each other… we all have a team. As you can guess, Edward and Alice are a team and Jasper and Rose are a team. I need you to promise me that you will team up with me on the jokes." He gave me these puppy dog eyes that I could never say no to.

"Fine… but when Edward finds out about this, I didn't have anything to do with it. Got it?"

"Yes Madam," Emmett said with fake seriousness.

I snorted and went back to helping Emmett change all the key pitches of Edward's precious piano.

(JOKES ON YOU)

I cleared it with Charlie that I was spending the night with Alice the very same day that Emmett and I did our little prank. Charlie wasn't too happy about it, but I finally got him to agree to it. When I got to the Cullen house, Emmett opened the door and gave me a wink as he pulled me though the door. I knew that Edward hadn't touched his piano yet so it was up to me to get him to play it. I also wanted to see his reaction. Emmett held up a video camera and I smirked at him. This was going to be great. He so owes me a copy after this.

As I walked over to were Edward was sitting, Alice gave me a wink and skipped over to Jasper and pecked him on the lips. I sat next to Edward and turned to him with a smile. "Edward, I was wondering… could you play me my lullaby?"

He smiled at me. "Of course, Bella."

He got up and went to the piano while me, Alice and Emmett were trying to hold back our laughter. Everyone else but Edward was looking at us curiously. I shouldn't be surprised that Alice had saw this.

When Edward hit the first note, I thought I was going to die of laughter.

"What the Hell?" Was Edward's brilliant response to that. Alice and I were trying to restrain our laughter while Emmett shook with silent laughter. He hit another look and a confused and irritated look came over his face. Everyone saw Emmett holding the video camera and they were trying not to laugh.

Edward started to pound on the keys while he tried to figure out what was going on. I couldn't take it any longer and I looked at Alice and Emmett and we all had a silent agreement that now was the time to laugh.

Edward looked at us all and looked angry but most of all embarrassed. I was pretty sure that if he could blush that he would be ten shades red. He looked at me. "Was this your idea?" he was furious, I could see that.

Alice piped in. "Actually… it was Emmett."

Edward turned to Emmett who was still holding up the camera and looked murderous. "You will burn that tape. You hear me!" I guess Emmett had a brilliant reply of 'No' and Edward chased him around the house for a half hour until he smashed the camera in his hand.

Little did Edward know that Emmett gave me the tape right before he looked his way.

4) Put fake blood all over Bella and lay her on her bed.

"Now, Bella, do this like we rehearsed," Emmett said to me is a serious yet joking way.

I nodded nervously. I fell back on the bed and Emmett covered me in fake blood and Alice put makeup on my neck to make it look like Emmett bit me on the neck.

After Emmett finish perfecting his work, Edward showed up in the house calling my name. Emmett ran from the room and met Edward.

"Edward, I'm s-so s-s-sorry! I didn't mean t-to," he sobbed. I could practically see Edward stiffen and see the anger in his eye.

"Emmett. What. Did. You. Do?"

"Edward, I'm sorry. Bella just-" he cut off because Edward ran up the stairs and through the door open. I could tell he stopped breathing once he got in the room. "BELLA!" he screamed. It took all I had to keep a straight face. Emmett really needed to show me this when we were done. "No, no, Bella. Stay with me sweetheart."

I started to crack up laughing. And opened my eyes to see a confused Edward. I looked over at Emmett, who had hid the camera because he didn't want Edward breaking this one, and Edward followed my gaze. He glared at Emmett. "Emmett," he growled and stalked forward.

"Uh… Bye," Emmett said before running out the door with Edward right on his heal.

I sighed. I really should clean up now. I thought as I got walked into Alice's bathroom with a laughing Alice inside.

3) Hotwire and crash his Volvo.

Emmett really turned me into a prankster. It was just too much fun to torment my Edward this way. I think I was going to far with the next prank but I decided to go with it. I mean, Edward loves me so he wouldn't kill me for it … If it was Emmett… he would kill him in a heart beat.

I pulled the wires out and started to work on hotwiring Edward's Volvo. I saw how to do it on the internet before so I didn't see that harm in trying it out. I hooted when I heard the beautiful purr of the engine. I pushed my foot down on the gas petal and peeled out of the driveway. I was driving down the main highway and into town when I saw the Cullens standing there looking shocked. Edward's eyes were wide. I thought I saw him mouth "But I have my keys." I laughed harder as I heard Emmett boom, "That's my sister."

Then next second I find myself wrapped around a tree… right before I blacked out.

2) Go up to Charlie and say that Edward got Bella pregnant.

I went home the next day after spending the night in the hospital. Let's just say that Edward wasn't happy with me. Rose came to visit me though saying how she now has higher respect for me because no one ever dares to take Edward's Volvo for a ride let alone hotwire it and crash it.

I was waiting in the kitchen for Edward to arrive when another crazy plan came to my mind. I could just imagine what Alice would think.

ALICE POV:

I laughed out loud during a death scene in a movie that my family was watching and I got a weird look from everyone. I didn't care. Bella's plan is going it be hilarious! Edward left with his car a minute ago so I said that we should all run to Bella's house because the fun is going to begin.

BACK TO BELLA'S POV:

I made myself look anxious. This was going to be great. I saw Charlie look in a I shuffled my feet. "Dad, I need to talk to you about… something."

"Yes, Bella?" He asked suddenly nervous. I could see that I had 2 minutes before Edward arrived so I quickly said what had to be said.

"I-I'm p-pregnant," I mumbled thinking that he didn't hear me and I was about ready to say it again when I caught the shocked look on his face that quickly flushed red with fury. Before he or I could say anything, I heard a knock on the door. Perfect timing Edward. I smirked as my dad stomped to the floor.

I looked around the corner to see my dad open the door and start screaming in Edward's face. My dad pulled out his pistol and my eyes widened. He wouldn't. Edward backed up even thought the bullet wouldn't hurt him. I saw fear in his wide eyes. I snorted quietly. The only thing that could scare a vampire is when the vampire's girlfriend's father is fuming with a gun. I felt like I was going to die laughing. I saw Alice and her family there laughing and she game me a thumbs up. God, how I love my soon-to-be-sister.

My dad aimed at Edward and I ran forward an grabbed the gun. My advice to anyone that has to do this; when you grab the gun, don't stand in front of it otherwise you're going to get shot… like I did.

1)Give his number out to all the cheerleaders and say that he wants a date.

After I got out of the hospital a second time in the past 2 days, I decided one more joke was in order. I had 20 cards with Edward's cell number on it ready to go. I walked into the locker room where all the cheerleaders were getting ready for gym fuming, or so they thought. I walked up to them and said, "Edward told me to give these to you and said to tell you to call him as soon as possible," I spit at them, pretending to be furious. "I don't even know why I am doing this," I muttered to myself, though still loud enough to hear.

I walked back out of the locker room with a smile on my face. Edward is going to love this.

EDWARD'S POV:

I was listening to my music when I heard my phone go off. I checked the caller ID and saw an unfamiliar number. I answered the phone and was met by the voice of the head cheerleader. I hung up and a second later another number popped up. And another and another and so on. I had one thought on my mind; Bella, you are so dead!

**A/N: So, what do you guys think? I have never done something like this before, it was kind of fun actually. Cracked up laughing at different parts because I could see the scene in my head. Weeeellllll… I will be working on a couple chapters to different stories and new stories every now and then. **


	2. 3 Things T Characters Never Mean 2 Say

3 Things Twilight Characters Never Mean To Say…

1) Bite Me.

"Edward, werewolves aren't dangerous! How many times must I say it!"

"Bella, people around them get hurt. If you love me then you will try to protect yourself for me."

I was getting nowhere with it. I had to see Jacob. He was having a terrible time and it was all my fault. I was trying to get Edward to see it, but he was just too stubborn and prejudice.

"Edward, Jake is going through a hard time. It's all my fault. Even though he's not fully human… Well there was a time when I wasn't fully human either and Jacob helped me through it. He's in _pain_ Edward. I can't just sit here and watch it!"

"No."

I got up and started to walk away. "Oh bite me Edward!"

As I turned the corner to go to my room, I saw the shock and amusement on his face. "At least you find it funny Eddie!" I screamed at him and that wiped the smirk off his beautiful face.

2) Damn You.

"Edward why can't I go see Jacob? You let me go last time!"

"Bella, that was before I found out that you two were riding motorcycles. That is reckless and stupid! I thought you were going to be more careful for me.? Edward said in a sad voice.

"Edward, I am going to be more careful, but I really enjoy the speed and the wind in my face-"

"Bella, you get the same thing when we run," he interrupted me.

"Yeah but you're running. I have no say in anything!"

"Bella… Damn you!"

"Yes Please!" I shouted in his shocked face. I could hear six hysterical people laughing on the second floor of his house.

3)Go Jump Off A Cliff.

"Bella, please! Why can't we go shopping? It'll be so much fun! We could have some girl time… Get away from the guys for a couple days." Alice begged with these big gold eyes.

"Alice, no! Why do you want to torture me? I though you were my best friend!"

"Bella, I am your best friend, but have you seen your closet? I can't believe you are allowing people to look at you in public! I- that's- a… EWWW!"

"Alice, for the last time… NO!"

"Oh, go jump off a cliff Bella!" Alice shouted in exasperation.

"I already did!" I yelled back into her shocked face.

I heard Edward screaming up from his room about not giving me any new ideas… whatever that meant.

**A/N: Okay, this might not be the best chapter because it took 10 minutes to write, but I wanted to put another chapter out there today because I have to leave for a few days so I won't be updating today or tomorrow. Hope everyone has a great day/evening! ~JerinAnn**


	3. 5 ways to annoy Alice Cullen

5 Ways to Annoy Alice Cullen.

1) Tell her that if she was 2 inches shorter, she would be a legal midget.

"Bella, please. If you think of me as a brother you will do this for me," Emmett practically begged Bella on his knees. Edward was sitting in an armchair with one of his ear buds in shaking his head. _Alice won't be happy about this, _Edward thought.

"Fine," Bella sighed giving up. She could never really resist the puppy dog look Emmett gave her. He was just a teddy bear… a big 200 pound teddy bear… with dimples.

"Yes!" Emmett fist pumped the air as Alice walked down the stairs.

Bella took a deep breath and walked over to Alice. Alice looked at her curiously. No doubt that Alice was uh… too _busy_ to see a vision of what Bella was going to say. "Alice, did you know that if you were two inches shorter you would legally be a midget? I mean that is so cool! You would probably be the biggest midget of all!" Emmett and Edward were trying to hold back their laughter as the rest of the Cullens came down confused by seeing two hysterical men and one fuming pixie. "I mean, they would probably worship the ground you walk on… Ooooo! You would be their goddess! You would―" she was cut off by the enraged scream of a ticked off little… midget.

Edward ran and grabbed Bella right before Alice lunged at her. Edward took off running with a screaming Alice behind them giving chase in 4 inch heels.

2) Ask Alice what you are going to do the next day.

"Alice, what am I doing tomorrow?" Bella asked Alice.

"I don't know, Bella. I didn't see any future of you yet," Alice sighed. This had been the sixth time in two minutes she asked that.

"Alice… do you see me marrying Jacob?" Bella asked her.

Alice whipped her head around. "WHAT?"

"I asked, 'Do you see me marrying Jacob?'"

"Why would you ask such a question?"

"Uh, maybe I am curious to see if I will marry Jacob."

Alice sighed heavily. "Bella, I see you marrying Edward. Besides, you know I can't see you when your with that mutt."

Bella stared at nothing for a minute before a smile overtook her face. "Do you see Jacob marrying in the future?"

"Bella, will you just SHUT UP?" Alice shouted at Bella, getting more ticked off by the second.

"Not until you tell me if Jacob will marry in the future," Bella shouted back. She hung around with Alice and Edward enough not to be scared easily by their shouting.

"Bella! I. Can't. See. That. Dogs. Future," Alice said through gritted teeth.

Bella just smiled. "Then I guess I won't shut up."

Alice shifted her weight so she was sitting directly in front of the coffee table and started to bang her head on the table. _Baby sitting Bella was worse than I thought… Edward better get me a second Porsche… maybe red this time… or BLACK with a blue stripe!_

3) Tell her that there is a sale at the mall and then while she is shopping, burn all her clothes.

"Alice!" Bella screamed as she ran down the stairs. Everyone looked up shocked. "Alice, I thought I would tell you that there is this HUGE sale at the mall today!" Everyone looked at her weirdly. "What… all my clothes probably reek of werewolf so I thought I would be nice and get rid of the stench and also let Alice have the opportunity for another shopping trip… with out me so Alice, you get to pick out all the clothes."

Alice's eyes lit up like a child's on Christmas morning. "What am I still doing here for?" She ran upstairs and grabbed her purse and ran out the door.

Bella skipped back up the steps and went to Alice's room. When she got to Alice's room, she picked up all the clothes she could carry and threw them out the window. She did that until all of Alice's clothes were out of her closet and in the backyard.

Bella got six curious looks as she skipped down the stairs with a lighter in her pocket. She brought it out when she got to the pile and started to burn them. Before they were lit for 5 seconds, Alice came running back. She tried to get to the clothes, but Jasper held her back.

"No, Alice! They're not worth it!" Jasper yelled at his wife.

Alice fell to her knees as she watched them burn and started to cry. "But they were so _young!_

4) Put bleach in her shampoo.

When Alice was… er… _busy_, Bella decided to take advantage of Alice's lack of sight at least one more time. She ran to her bathroom and grabbed her shampoo. She quickly ran to Emmett's room where he promised he would help with any prank she came up with. When she told him what she was going to do, he beamed at her and quickly agreed. He left for three seconds and was back with a bottle of bleach in the other. Bella and Emmett were both curious to see what she would look like as a blond.

They quickly mixed the bleach so it blended in perfectly. They also added some liquid scents so it would help cover up the odor. Bella ran back to Alice and Jasper's bathroom just in time so she wouldn't run into Alice there. Bella was in her bathroom so much that it was hard to discern when she was in there. Bella walked down the stairs with Emmett, both of them grinning like the fools they are, and saw Edward shaking his head with a smile on his face.

After twenty minutes however, they heard an earsplitting scream coming from Alice's bathroom. She ran down the stairs with a horrified look on her face. She looked straight at Bella, her face seething. She started to stalk towards her when Edward grabbed her and ran with a beach blonde Alice hot on their tale.

"Edward! How can you stay with that sadistic girl?" Alice screamed even though she loved Bella.

Bella yelled back at Alice. "You look good blond, Al.

5) Tell her that she is Professor Trelawney.

Bella and the Cullens were all sitting around the flat screen TV watching "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban." They got to the part where Professor Trelawney said that Harry had the Grim when Bella spoke up.

"Alice, your like our version of Professor Trelawney. You both see the future and make outrageous predictions," All the Cullens ―with the exception of Alice― were trying their best not to laugh. "You probably say you saw me dead like Professor Trelawney said she saw Harry dying. Oooo! You guys even dress and talk the same!" At that point, the Cullens couldn't take it any longer and started to laugh hysterically while Alice fumed.

For the rest of the movie, Alice glared at the TV and plotted ways to kill Professor Trelawney.


	4. 50 Ways To Say You Died

**A/N: Okay, so this took me awhile to write because you won't believe how hard it is to come up with a lot of ways to die. I don't think this is all that funny, but a few of these ways to die make you think "what is wrong with this person." I hope you enjoy it. ****~JerinAnn**

**50 Ways To Say You Died:**

**Emmett's POV:**

Edward and I were out hunting. He was too uptight now days. He was always uptight, but ever since the human girl, Bella, came here, Edward was always worrying about her. He was always asking Alice if she was going to get hurt, fall, or something. He was relaxed when he knew she was safe, but every other time he was Mister Grouchy Pants.

I decided to pull a little prank on my brother. It might be a little mean, but I decided that if he was going to worry, then he should have a bigger list to worry about. Alice saw me pulling my ingenious prank and begged me to not do it. She said something along the lines of Edward going crazy. Well, going crazy was better than just sitting doing nothing.

Edward had just finished his favorite meal, a nice mountain lion. I walked up behind him and started the beginning of my plan._ Hmm... I wonder if that human Edward is so fond of is fine._

Edward's head snapped up in my direction and I could tell he was listening hard to my every thought now. I needed to be sneaky. _I don't get why he doesn't just change her. She so fragile the way she is. So breakable. So much could happen to her._

Edward's pale face paled even more when he heard my last thoughts. I had to keep the smile off my face if I wanted this prank to go even farther. _She could get hit by a car... or even fall down the stairs. She could start choking on a piece of broccoli. I wonder if it would kill her if she fell out of a second story window._

"Emmett," Edward called out in a weak voice. "Please, stop it. For the sake of my sanity, stop thinking of her that way."

"Well, you keep worrying about her, so I thought you should add a few things to worry about. I mean, she could get a paper cut on her wrist and bleed to death. A human could sneak into her home and kill her. She could stop breathing in her sleep. She could drowned in the bath tube and choke on a glass of milk. She could have a heart attack while watching a horror movie..."

Edward was on the ground with his head in his hands. His knees were curled up to his chest. He kept muttering, "She's safe. Alice will call. She's safe." This was getting good. I could just imagine him cracking. He shot me a glare and I just continued on with the list.

"She could get shot or even crash her truck. She could have bomb drop on her or even get eaten by a dog. I bet even a cat would eat her face. Those things are so vicious. They are going to take over the world, mark my words. She could also be working out and trip and break her neck... or even get dehydrated and fall, hitting her head hard on the floor. Her pillow can also suffocate her. She could also get sick, with cancer or the flu." Edward's eyes widened and his mouth dropped. I think I went a little too far. I wasn't even thinking. I forgot that Edward lost his human life due to the flu. I continued on with the list of ways to die to take his mind off of that.

"She could get drugged and kidnapped. She could even get eaten by a shark. I bet they would love a taste of her. She could meet a rogue serial killer looking for teenage girls. A house fire could kill her quite easily. She could also be impaled on a stick, beheaded, or even disemboweled. A sniper could easily take her out as well... and drag her to death if the bullet failed to kill her. And since vampire exist, zombies could as well. I don't think she would last long. I wonder what the zombie would bite first, her arm or neck. She could die from a spider bite or a snake.

"I need to ask Alice if it's possible for her to die from tying a scarf too tight around her neck. Someone could choke her to death or even stab her to death. I doubt she would go down easily. I bet she's a fighter." Edward looked like he was about to go crazy on me. I have to get a few more out there before he did. "An airplane could crash while she was in it, or she could fall in cement and get stuck and die. I bet she wouldn't last two seconds against a pit of quicksand. She could also get burned to death by the sun. Is it possible for a human to run to death?"

"Emmett!" Edward screamed. "I am serious! Stop with all the ways to die thing. Bella is fine and she is not going to die! Now shut up before I run you to death!"

"Well, she could grow old and die, Edward. You'd have to change her to keep that from happening, and if she grows old, she could get run over by a reindeer." I started laughing. I couldn't help but imagine grandma Bella getting run over by Santa. "Blood poisoning is a real killer, and getting eaten by a cannibal would be bad too. She could get trampled by a herd of deer or even crazy girls at a Black Friday sale. She could overload on sugar or get kicked by a horse. She could fall in a wood chipper, or even get run over by a train. She could fall off a bridge or her parachute doesn't open if she went skydiving. She could fall in a volcano or die in an earthquake-" With a mighty roar, Edward was off the ground and running after me. He might be faster than me normally, but terror fueled me. I didn't stop running until I was all the way to the southern part of Chile. Edward gave up halfway and I guess it was so he could be back by his precious human. I wanted to make sure I stayed alive so I wasn't going home anytime soon.


	5. Cooking With Mom

**Cooking With Mom**

**Esme's POV:**

I sighed as I got everything out that I would need. If Edward's mate, Bella, would be coming over often, she would need something to eat. I don't want her to starve just because of what we are. I had a cookbook out that I bought in Seattle, and I found the page that I was looking for. I wanted to make her feel welcomed and cared for, though I knew Edward was doing a great job with that. I looked at the ingredients crowding the countertop and the list. Zucchini? Check. Mushrooms, onion, garlic, and spinach? Check, check, check, and check. I went through all the other ingredients and saw I had everything I needed to make Vegetarian Lasagna.

I looked at the directions and got started. First I had to bowl the lasagna and cut up the zucchini, mushrooms, onion, and garlic into tiny pieces. I coated a pan with oil and started to sauté the vegetables. I added the spinach and sauce next. It smelled repulsive to me, but I think it would smell alright to a human. I hoped Bella would like it.

I followed the next few steps thinking of how much Edward changed. He seemed so much more lighthearted and happy. She really made his whole life turn around. Everything would work out; I was sure of it. I was putting everything in the oven while I started to cook Italian bread.

"I hope she likes Italian food," I muttered under my breath. I was suddenly becoming unsure of what I was doing.

"Of course she'll like it," Emmett said while he came into the kitchen, his nose wrinkled slightly at the smell. "Her name's Bella."  
>I laughed. "I don't think that cuts it, Emmett."<p>

He was about to respond when I heard the ancient engine of Bella's truck pull up. I could hear Edward laughing with Bella, and it brought a smile to my face. I've never seen him so happy. She was a blessing to our family.

I heard them enter the house and heard Bella sniff the air. "What's that?" she wondered as they walked toward the kitchen.

The entered as Edward spoke. "Esme decided she wanted to try her hand at something that she hasn't done in years."

Bella gasped when she saw me pulling the lasagna out of the oven. "Esme, you didn't have to do that!"

I smiled at her. "I wanted to. Besides, I don't want you to go home on an empty stomach; it's unhealthy."

She smiled slightly. "It smells amazing," she said at last.

"It smells terrible," Emmett complained, making his existence known. "I don't understand how you can enjoy this. It better not stink like this everyday."

Bella looked at the ground with her brow furrowing. I could tell she didn't want to cause any sort of conflict in the family. Edward glared at him while he rubbed her shoulders.

"I'm not going to be cooking this all the time," I gave Emmett a sharp look, "but I would like to provide her with proper meals. Making herself a sandwich or eating a bowl of vegetables isn't something I want her to do every time she's here."

Bella smiled slightly. "Thanks, Esme."

I nodded and gave her a plate of the food. She went to the table and took a hesitant bite. She looked thoughtful for a second which worried me, but then she smiled. "It's wonderful, Esme! Thank you."  
>I beamed. "You're welcome, sweetie. Please enjoy and help yourself to more if you're hungry. You can take the leftovers home to Charlie as well."<br>"That's a great idea," Bella said with a bigger smile. "Charlie would love it."  
>I took it as my cue to leave when Edward sat next to her, holding the hand she wasn't using. I left silently, looking at my son's beaming face as he stared into his mate's eyes. Yes, everything would work out just fine.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Thank you for reading this. I'm sorry it's short, but I hope you enjoyed hearing Esme's POV. You can find a link to the recipe on my profile. If the link isn't there, it can be found on my facebook page. The link will send you to the page, and you should be able to scroll down through the other recipes it gives to find Vegetarian Lasagna. **


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